We removed the decorations from our tree and put it out on the curb so that it could be picked up by the beast of a truck that has been rambling about fetching all the lonely curb-side trees these last few weeks. It was dry and dropping needles like mad, but I was still sort of sad to see it go. Wah-wah.
Felix keeps mentioning how he is hopeful the holidays hurry up and come back SOON. Little does he know he's in for an epic wait. I mean, we're talking about the same kid who thinks it takes fooooorever for the days to pass from monday to friday so he may enjoy his beloved movie night. Years pass so slow when you're three. But that certainly changes. Oh, how that changes...
My mantle is in sad shape right now. It has two animal masks, a dvd case, a plant and a couple of candles sitting on it. It is a poor excuse for a mantle. Since taking down all the holiday decorations I have been terribly lazy when it comes to doing any kind of decorating...or cleaning...or cooking. Go figure. Mostly, I scoot around in my spiffy new slippers and ignore the whole situation. Am I experiencing post-holiday denial? Probably. I suppose my current state of being also says a lot about how I feel about the month of January. I'm not much of a fan. It's my blah month. I'm also pretty sure I'm not alone in feeling this way, which I suppose is good. Misery loves company, right?
This year should be an exciting one for us. There are lots of unknowns right now. Aren't there always? As I mentioned in my post the other day I'm trying to remain open to what comes. I am also trying to sit with my fear and not run from it. I have a tendency to try to outrun fear even though I have never succeeded. EVER. So, yeah, my current plan is to sit with my fear and announce, to myself and/or my people, that I'm feeling scared. I suppose I'm going to announce this here to you too.
Here I go...
One of the biggest things causing me fear right now is that in 2014 I am planning to return to work (outside the home). Gah, just typing that makes my stomach hurt. It also makes all the little monkeys in my head go wild. Part of me doesn't want to have any part of this whatsoever. But, if I am honest with myself, I also find the prospect of returning to work really exciting. In the past I have certainly enjoyed doing clinical work and learning from and helping people. I suppose my main fear around all of this is that I have so many things I need to do to make going back to work happen. Things that I can push aside easily because I also have many, many other things to do. Things like...laundry...and playing spacemen...and all the other fun things that go into raising children and running a home.
Also, I do not enjoy not knowing what's going to happen next. I don't like change very much either. And most of all, I don't like feeling unsure of myself and the road ahead. Right now I'm feeling very unsure about both. And I'm scared.
There, I said it.
And even if I don't like it (and I really don't), I'm going to keep admitting it.
Stay warm, friends,